Constructive Conflict

The expression "Fight the good Fight" is one that I have heard often.  There is a reason people use that expression.  A good fight can be a good way to clear the air and express emotions and energy that, if left bottled up, can make you sick and sad.

Conflict is a normal and necessary part of all relationships.  And when stress is high and you are suffering the devastating loss of a loved one, the chances of conflict increase enormously.  You and your family are probably on edge - about the death of that special person, about money, about your future - so there's a lot to fight about.  The agitation and anger you sometimes feel can make your relations with others, particularly family, more stressful.  Indeed, grief intensifies conflict and brings to the surface issues that most likely smoldered before.

Grief can exacerbate your differences with others and can also leave you feeling more vulnerable.  Things you might ordinarily let go of now add insult to injury.  You're angry that you lost someone, and the likelihood that you're going to take this pain out on someone is good.

So, I think that's where fighting fair comes in.  You can't make disagreements that stem from displaced anger constructive.  Make sure that your anger, if it's aimed at someone else, really does have to do with them.  It's important to find ways to get your feelings out without breaking the bonds between you and others.

Here are The Seven Rules of Fair Fighting that psychologists use to help people address differences and move ahead in a healthy way:

Engage in Active Listening ~ 
Try to keep an open mind and really listen to what the other person is saying.


Stick to the Subject at hand ~ Don't bring up ancient history. Try not to revisit old grievances and examples from long ago.

Identify your own contribution to a problem ~ Don't play the blame game.

Don't throw in the kitchen sink ~ try not to make global generalizations about the other person's character, and avoid name calling.

Don't hog the floor ~ Give the other person a chance to talk and the fight won't feel one-sided.

Give fair warning if you're about to be critical ~ It helps the person you're fighting with hear the criticism without getting defensive.

Don't go for the jugular ~ Use fair fighting as a way to air what you are feeling and then move on. If you go for the jugular, you may win the fight but lose the relationship in the process.


Until next time ~ the clouds will clear and you will find your way

Paula