Surviving this horrible event has meant developing new skills. Indeed, it has made me stronger, has given me increased awareness of my self-reliance, a clearer sense of personal vulnerability and limits, improved relationships, greater compassion and empathy toward others, a greater resilience that enables me to let things go more readily and carry greater burdens. Occasionally, I do find myself marveling at what I've managed to handle. Just moving ahead with life ~ getting through each day and meeting obligations and challenges that arise under 'normal' circumstances ~ is hard enough.
Specialists in grief and trauma have found that growth often occurs in people who have had to withstand tragedy. It is almost as if extreme circumstances, which gives people no choice but to change and adapt, lay a foundation for positive change. I'm not saying that any of this is easy. Given the choice, I would not take the growth I've experienced over the life of my beloved Bobby. Although these are real achievements, they sometimes feel like painful evidence of how much life and I have changed.
Perhaps when you are still feeling so low that it's hard to take a step back and reflect on where you are. Maybe it is too soon to take ownership of any positive traits you've developed. As time passes, you will notice that you approach the world differently. Recovery is a process, and the only certainty is that the feelings of those immersed in it will change in unpredictable ways. If you can, accept your steps toward healing and the person you are now, and try not to feel that the progress you make means you are forgetting the one you miss. You are simply taking him/her with you as you make your way.
Until next time ~ the clouds will clear and you will find your way ~
~Paula
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