My Time to Reflect

It is the time of the year that I always return to the journal I've been writing for 10 years. It's a time for me to reflect on where I've been and how far I've come through my journey.  I found that writing letters to my husband was the easiest way for me to document my feelings.  As I read my journal, I see that daily entries were made the first year. After the first anniversary, weekly and by the third anniversary, monthly.  Since the fifth anniversary, entries are made annually at each anniversary.  Reflecting just on this, I can see a steady progression of healing.

With this writing, I will share my  "Letter to Bobby" written on the fifth anniversary.
9/11/06~
Dearest Bobby, It has been a year since I've written to you and 5 years since that life changing day.  So much has happened in just this past year. What is truly remarkable is all that has transpired in 5 years.  Roseann and Mike were married in Oct. 2003 and I finished building our retirement "beach house". I've redecorated our NY townhouse. This was necessary because I couldn't bear to continue living with the day to day reminders that it is "our" home.  So, I made our home into "my" home and, in that way, I can stay in NY and continue my healing process.

Through the Grace of God, I made life long friends through my counseling group. Because we share the same kind of loss, our journey together became our life line.  They are the most amazing women I have ever known. We have supported each other, had lunches and dinners and movies together, spa days to renew our body and mind. Together we've attended National Memorials in Washington, DC, Colorado Springs, CO., and The White House to receive the National Medal of Valor for you. Peter and Roseann were with me to accept the Medal and meet the President and First Lady Laura Bush.  I know you were with us Bobby, because I felt your presence all around me.
Peter and Christina were engaged this year and there will be a wedding in 2007. Another milestone without you!

There is much pain, confusion and grief behind me and while life is a bit more predictable now, the incredible loss remains along with a sense that my life has been irrevocably altered.  Bobby, in the last 5 years, I have coped the best I can, learning to care for myself and honoring my feelings. I have learned that I am resilient and have the ability to transcend difficulty. To honor you, I try each day to live my life as you would have wanted me to.  Sometimes, that is easier said than done.

I now prepare myself for yet another Memorial Anniversary marked by a special Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral, our own Memorial as we all gather at Ladder 25 then returning home to Carmel for a special Mass at St. James followed by the candlelight ceremony at the Heroes Monument.  All so overwhelming as the anxiety builds, but necessary for me and our family.

Until I write to you again, you remain in my heart always, I love you dearly and miss you each and every day.
All My Love,
Paula