Marking Time

Why do we mark time after losing our loved one?  I have always wondered why I had this uncontrollable need to mark time and for the first few years I just did not understand it.  What I have learned is that my family and I had to weather a series of "firsts".  The first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first big family event and the first anniversary of their passing.  After a loved ones death, all of these firsts can be very tough.

The marking of time is a very normal part of the grief process.  It is a coping mechanism that is a part of the healing process and it will, over time, provide us with a vehicle for being able to make new traditions.  After 10 years the marking of time has become a part of my biological clock.  So just how do you weather the "firsts" and then all of the special dates that will follow?  I can only offer my own experience as an example.

The first Thanksgiving I purchased an already made turkey, I set a place at the table for Bob with a votive candle, my children and I said a prayer, invoked Bob's name and had a quiet, peaceful day of reflection.  The first Christmas I decided our big artificial tree had to go.  I purchased a small table top tree and filled it with the very special ornaments that Bob and I had collected on vacations over the years and special ornaments given to me by friends and family.  I managed cooking an uncomplicated dinner with my children's help and we enjoyed a quiet day together with our memories.  The "first" New Year's Eve ~ I went to bed early to avoid having to deal with the New Year I had in front of me.

As you mark time in your personal journey, keep in mind the feelings that surface may be all over the map ~ heightened sadness, anger, loneliness but also happiness of  memories previous holidays and special dates may bring. So ask yourself, "what do I need?"  When you answer that question you can plan how best to pace yourself, so that you can process and have the heart for the wide array of emotions you may experience.
You may decide to begin making new traditions.

~If you have only yourself to please, you can actually do so.  If you don't like to cook think about eating out or having a meal catered.  Perhaps spending the day in an unexpected place, get out town, take a cruise.

~Think about what the holiday or special date stands for to you, and doing something on that day that captures that meaning.

~Helping others can be a way of helping yourself.  Deciding to, say work at a soup kitchen for Thanksgiving or visiting with hospitalized patients on Christmas.  Giving of yourself can be very healing.

~ Spend your time quietly ~ if all the dazzle of New Year's Eve, or a Thanksgiving with 20 relatives and friends seems out of sync with where you are emotionally, you might think of sitting one out.

~It could be that the children in your life may leave you less room for flexibility.  If so, you will get through it with sheer force, but then remember to give yourself exactly what you need after the events.  Go to a spa, have lunch or dinner with friends, do whatever makes you feel good!

Just remember that the way you decide to mark time is a very personal one and will be right for you.  Honor your loved one, honor your feelings and make new traditions.

Until next time ~ the clouds will clear and you will find your way.
~Paula