Do you ever feel like you have to remind the people in your life that you are still grieving? Do you feel as though employers, family and friends are making unrealistic demands on you? Perhaps they think since a few years have come and gone since your loss, some of the pressure you feel has lifted. If you don't feel that way, it is very important you let them know that and where you are in your grieving process. As I've said before, grief is an individual process and there is no time limit regardless of what others may think. Whether your grief is new or several years have passed and you feel you are doing well, the anniversary of the death of your loved one or any other life milestone can bring on the pain fresh and raw.
Increased demands of any sort can be very challenging when you are grieving. Some days you feel up to it and on others you may still feel so much pain that it's very hard to switch gears and focus on things outside your daily reality. In the months following the loss of your loved one, family, friends and neighbors were probably there to help you out with whatever you needed. But now, those offers may have all disappeared, even though you could still use them. That is why it is important that in addition to keeping people informed about how you are feeling, you can also be direct and ask them for the help and support you need. Sometimes that can be scary and awkward but it's worth it if it helps you feel less overwhelmed by the obligations in your life.
The years after a traumatic loss take an emotional and physical toll. At work it may be especially hard to focus the way you used to. Your employer and work associates may assume that you are ready to take on more. Be realistic about what you can handle and adjust your expectations and your employer's accordingly. If it gets too difficult see if you can reduce your hours or take a few days off every so often to replenish your energy.
Family life, too, may be filled with new obligations. Elderly parents, illness and even happy events can be very taxing. Be direct about what you can and cannot handle and ask for help when you need it. Even your friends may be leaning on you in way that feels uncomfortable. When your pain and loss still feels so raw, it can be difficult to hear others talk about themselves. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by their troubles. Before you allow bitterness to fester between you and a friend, explain how you are feeling and what you can handle. A true friend, unlike some people you may encounter, will understand that, even if they sometimes need to be reminded, you still aren't "over it." Of course it goes without saying that you are not "over it" because that is impossible.
You may have less energy than you used to and find yourself feeling sad at unexpected times. In fact, you may feel you'll never get back to "your old self." Believe me, that in your time, you will get back to "your old self." That's why it is important to take care of the self you are today! Get enough rest and exercise, eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water and do nice things for yourself. Just as important, if you feel that people in your life are overlooking your grief and making undue demands on you, remember that it is okay to ~~
* Communicate with those you trust about how you are feeling. Be direct and ask them for the emotional and physical help you need.
* You can only meet the increased demands in your life if you are healthy.
* Reduce the expectations you place on yourself. If you are overwhelmed, scale back that "to do list" or reduce work hours or take some time off if you can.
* Ask yourself ~ How am I doing? Be honest and don't feel like you need to be farther along than you are. It may be a good time to seek counseling, join a support group, or take up some calming, healing pursuit like meditation or yoga - any activity that allows you to take time for yourself.
Until next time ~ The clouds will clear and you will find your way.
Paula
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