Memories and Journaling

Memories and Journaling

My grief has a cycle of seasons ~its own distinct autumn, winter, spring and summer~that bring with it memories of my husband.  Throughout the year, I commerate holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and personal milestones.  These days, and a host of other events both large and small, bring up bittersweet memories as well as dark feelings of loss and lonliness.  Everyday in my cycle of seasons is a day of remembrance.  Even as life moves me forward, and new things happen, I take my memories with me and incorporate them into my daily life.  The most ordinary things remind me of times we spent together.

I began journaling quite by accident.  In an attempt to remember phone conversations, calls I had to make, appointments, events to attend and things to accomplish and a myriad of other things ~ I would write it all down in a composition book that I kept by the phone (because my mind was like jelly).  To my surprise, as I read through these notes, I found that I would write a particular feeling I was having that day.  So, when someone mentioned the idea of journaling to heal I said, "I can't write, my mind is like jelly."  But soon it became apparent that any writing that includes your feelings can be helpful.

I finally started to journal my feelings and memories.  My writing is actually my prayers.  But it is much more than a list of wants and needs.  I write as though God is sitting across from me.  What I've found is that I can go back and see how far I've come on my journey.  I read of times when I thought the excruciating pain of lonliness would never end and realize that the time passed has made a difference.

Initially, I wrote nearly every day.  I depended on it as an outlet for my emotions.  I would take the phone off the hook, pour a cup of coffee and sit in my easy chair and spend that time with God ~ sometimes crying out loud for help, sometimes venting my anger and frustration at having to face my life of shattered dreams.  I didn't have a plan and I didn't know what was going to come out.  So I just began with the heaviest thing on my heart.  The words and emotions would boil up, like a geyser, from deep inside.  I was not surprised by my thoughts and feelings.  Before God, I let it all out.  I believe He knew how much I hurt, even beyond what I was able to describe in words.

After ten years, I decided to begin this blog, sharing a few passages with others.  Mainly, I've shared thoughts and/or emotions from past entries, not necessarily a word-for-word exchange.

How can you keep these feelings to yourself without letting them eat you up?  Writing them down in a journal is a good way of both expressing and honoring the difficulty of what you are experiencing.  A journal can be anything consisting of the accounts of your day and how you feel about what has happened.  It not only allows you to express yourself but also to see how far you've come through your journey.  Grief can make you feel like your always taking one step forward and two steps back.  So having a journal as a record of your progress can help you be more patient with yourself.

Until next time ~ the clouds will clear and you will find your way

Paula